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March 03, 2006

Errand Runners, Eunice Makes a Comeback, Bastardizing Bryanboy's Masculinity

Errand Runners

I spent the entire afternoon with my sister Grace, who is 2nd in line to the familia de horreur throne. It's been quite awhile since we had those sibling-bonding/quality time moments. We went to the post office to pick up my mail, had a lemonade and some fries, had our facials and bought 2 magazines before pigging out at our local Korean.

I'm turning 18 years old in less than 3 weeks and I need a god damn miracle.

FOOD IS THE ENEMY.
EATING IS A DISEASE.

Citizens of planet earth, I need help!

I really need to lose 20 or 25 pounds in order to look svelte and lithe on my birthday. Peasants like me are entitled to become a skinny cinderella on our birthdays.

Seriously, there must be a way where I can lose 1 or 2 pounds a day without surgery or cystal methampethamine abuse.

Eunice Makes A Comeback

Remember how my maid Eunice took wonderful pictures of me when I visited my uncle at the hospital when he had a heart attack? Click here if you wanna see those picture.

Well, I went to the supermarket yesterday and boy I had sooo much fun posing. Yes mother fuckers, I'm normal too and I do thinks normal people do like buy cigarettes and alcohol while the servants buy food. Hahahahahaha! I'm kidding. I LOOOOOVE the supermarket. There's sooo many nice things there. Sundries and all.

Anyway, Miss Eunice took pictures again and I think they're not bad at all.

Or maybe it's because of the fact that I'm beautiful, in spite of the pregnant tummy.

Like what I said before, it REALLY is amazing how I think I'm fucking gorgeous. I never cease to amaze me, myself and I. Beauty is indeed skin deep.

Bastardizing Bryanboy's Masculinity

I went to a dinner party at a friend's house the other night and I had sooo much fun.

Seriously, nothing can beat a good ol' dinner party: scrumptious food, great wine, good friends... it's all good!

I arrived in my one-piece denim jumpsuit from Topshop circa 2000, trucker cap and a false moustache I got from a local wig shop - a enormous contrast from the trashtastic schoolgirl whore from the night before.

It's amazing how I can bastardize my masculinity in a snap.

Next thing you know, I'm shaking my big, fat booty like J. Lo... courtesy of a friend's blond wig. The only thing missing was a pair of CAT-style Manolo Blahnik boots and gold hoop earrings.

Why oh why is this happening to me? For all you know, it won't be long until I get a gender reassignment.

Nah. Thanks but no thanks. I love my penis, thank you very much. I absolutely have no use for an orifice that looks like mussels.

Man, I still can't get over the fact that a shitload of men tried to chat me up when I dressed up as a whore. Is that what I **HAVE** to do to get attention from males in this town? Bah!

At least I know I'm good at one thing: being a tranny. It's very comforting to know that in the event my good fortune runs dry, there's a career waiting for me as a transvestite. Hahahahaha! I don't even have to sell my designer goods on eBay to survive! I could effortlessly start my own sleaze bar, be the doyenne of stand-up comedy I want to be and rake serious monopoly money.

Bryanboy Loves... and Random Cheesemax

#1 - Bryanboy loves people from Gerlafingen, Solothurn Switzerland, Kampong Pasir, Johor Malaysia, Washington, DC, Mlarhjden, Sweden, Alicante, Valenciana Spain, Auckland, New Zealand, Cincinnati, OH, New Delhi, India, Richardson, TX, Buffalo, NY, Guildford, UK, Milan, Italy, Kelowna, BC,  Paignton, UK, Ashfield, NSW Australia, Alpharetta, GA, North Hills, CA, Goodyear, AZ and of course, all my fans and readers who live in the beautiful town of Oiso, Kanagawa Japan. I love each and every one of you. Say hi, don't be shy!

#2 - I finally met Mrs. T's husband 2 nights ago. Boy he looks like the complete gentleman. He's sooo angelic and he looks harmless - a complete opposite from Mrs. T. HAHAHAHAH! *kidding* You guys are the perfect couple!! Mrs. T looked smashing in her chic dress, Hermes Twilly and Fendi Spy.

#3 - Big shout out to everyone at Equitable Bank's Treasury Division. I like the word "treasury". I think it's synonymous to the word TREASURE. WHO THE HELL DO I HAVE TO GIVE SEXUAL FAVOURS TO IN ORDER TO GET A CASH LOAN GRANT? What I need is a grant. At least I don't have to pay for it. Hahahahaha! Besides, I'm gonna start a non-profit organization soon - I'm gonna name it the Get Bryanboy A Crocodile Birkin Bag Foundation.

#4 - CASTING CALL: I NEED A MAN. 20-27 years old, must be GORGEOUS, FIT and at least 5'10 tall. I'm gonna have someone make a spoof 5-10 minute Paris Hilton sex tape (don't worry, we'll both keep our knickers on) for a party I'm throwing. If you know of a gorgeous man who wants to be infamous (HAHAHAHAHAHA) and he's willing to hump me with our boxers on, tell them to contact me ASAP.

#5 - Speaking of sex, some man bombarded my phone yesterday afternoon with a shitload of text messages. You see, I do my best to reply to each and every message I get... I love getting mesages. But this man was sooo weird! I told him I'm having a facial and running errands... and all the guy was thinking about was sex! He wanted to know what was it like to be gangbanged by Russian guys. He was also horny.

UGH! Saucer of milk please. The last thing I want to think of is sex when my aesthetician extracts oreo-cookie sized white heads from my enormous pores.

PLEASE, PLEASE, PLEASE... DO NOT SEND ME MESSAGES TELLING ME YOU'RE HORNY. Those things scare the shit out of me. Go look at some porn online and jack off. I may act like a trashtastic whore but I ain't gonna think about let alone talk about anything that has to do with your genitals.

Unless, of course, you're Wentworth Miller.

#6 - I love my friend Alex. He's a lovely, lovely Englishman that I've known for quite awhile. He's also one of my original I LOVE BRYANBOY mascots... he's the one on the right hand side of this page.

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Alex, I love you too bitch, And yes, you also make my mangina moist. Both you and I know that one day, you will be the father of my first born... and I won't even ask you for child support, even if you're wealthy, cause I have my own money. I just want your babies god dammit.

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I can literally picture what our kids would look like. Like what I told you, our babies will have my hair color, your eyes, your height and they're gonna be famous models and actors and actresses here in the third world. I'm telling you, we're gonna strike it rich with our future kids... the third world LOVES mixed race mongrels and everyone around here worship them like god.

I think that's all for now. I have a dinner to attend so expect another pictionary from me when I get back. I might use my all-new Marc Jacobs bag. We'll see. I'm gonna post a HUGE entry soon with all the love I've been getting recently. It's been quite awhile since I did that. As always, you know where to send images of your unconditional love.

I love you all.

Email bryan@bryanboy.com or SMS +63-915-785-1492. Tell me you love me. Tell me to stop eating because eating is a sin.

Baboosh_3

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