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March 14, 2006

Salma is Evil!!!!!, "My Name is Mark", Bryanboy Loves.. and Random Cheesemax

SALMA IS EVIL!!!!!!

The Oscars might be well over but that Salma Hayek person is still making my blood boil. She stole my Nancy G. python minaudiere and used it at the Oscars.

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Mrs. T. emailed me with proof.

Ugh!!! I *HATE* celebs like her. They have access to everything, including access to SERIOUS unlimited funds that allows them to buy even MORE exclusive and expensive things.

I seriously hate it.

Poor, third world highly-pretentious mortals with no money like me buy "affordable" and luxurious things to delude ourselves into thinking/feeling that we're rich, yet here's a multi-millionaire actress, who's got even more money than me and full-frontal fashion access to designers and stylists, ruining everything.

I still can't believe that Salma bitch cherry-picked MY cheap-ass US$600 gold python clutch!

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Shit, put me in her shoes and I'd be totting a swarovski-encrusted Judith Leiber.

FUCK THAT.

Put me in her shoes and I'd have a friggin minaudiere CUSTOM-MADE for me. Something absolutely ridiculous and vulgar (to match my Atelier Versace dress), dripping with diamonds and precious stones.

But no... little Miss Mexican bitch used a cheap $600 gold python box instead on Hollywood's most glamorous night.

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Ugh!!!!!! What a travesty.

Lesson learned: DO NOT, UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES, TRUST LATINOS. THEY'RE GOOD LOOKING AND ALL, YEAH. NOT ONLY THEY WILL BREAK YOUR HEART, THEY'LL ALSO BREAK INTO YOUR CLOSET, TOO.

"My name is Mark"

031306_mememeSaturday was a bitch - my driver was totally incommunicado the entire afternoon/early evening. This is the same guy who slept in my cheap ass car on the parking lot of my favourite club not too long ago. He's the reason why I still have emotional scars from dressing up like a whoring transvestite in 7-inch platform hooker shoes... he made me wait outside the club for an ENTIRE HOUR. Clubgoers prolly thought I was a hooker... at least 7 guys asked for my name and why I was leaving so early etc. Bah!!!!

Enough about the past. The driver you dialled is not yet in service. Please check your driver and try again.

I was supposed to go to a local couturier's fitting session on Saturday afternoon. I also got invited to a fantastic party thrown by my friends at Motorola and I was also supposed to go to an acquaintance's 'Rock n' Roll" wedding bash.

I ended up going out, straight to La Embajada, at 12:30AM feeling shit.

The only thing that made my night was the fact that my one of my best fag hags/nonsexual wife is back in town from NY.

Boy I drank far too much on Saturday. I probably had NO less than a dozen drinks. The double vodka red bulls kept coming and coming.

At the end of the night, Hannah was sitting on my lap and we were kanoodling like lesbians on crack.

I don't wanna be known as the dirty heterosexual person pretending to be a fag just to get girls.

You know, I think I might be a lesbian (or bisexual) female with a dick.

I mean, when you look at it, I like handbags. I like lip gloss. I wear some girl's clothes. I love shopping. I'm obsessed about having a body of a prepubescent 10 year old male that only supermodels like Gemma Ward have. 

031306_brownchicks

And then there's my love affair with watching straight porn.

No guy in this hideous town of Manila turns me on anymore. As I've said before, I have to go somewhere else to get some action. How crazy is that? I can't believe I'm a sex tourist at such young age when REAL sex tourists should be paying me to get their poles touch my prostate.

Bah. Whenever I see a gorgeous girl, I like to point em out to my friends and say silly things like "oh, look at her tits" or "her bum is big" or "look she's skinny". When I see a cute guy here I just say "oh, ok, he's cute, so what. next!"

Anyway, enough about my sexuality. You know deep down that nothing can beat the feeling of a hard, thick, throbbing, 8 or 9-inch dick up your poop chute.

There was this cute and really nice fellow who came up to me and asked whether I'm Bryanboy. I told him nope, sorry and my name is Mark.

The three of us had incessant chat until he dropped the bomb whether "Hannah" is "Hannah". I told him her name is "Anna". HAHAHA. Busted!

Hannah then asked the guy "are you gay?". The guy said yeah he's gay. I was laughing sooo hard I was pinching Hannah's arm.

Obviously the guy is gay. But he's not effeminate like me.

Shit, I'm the gayest gay that ever gayed; I am soo fucking gay I sweat GLITTER.

God... Hannah and I got sooo drunk last Saturday.

The two of us went outside and saw the guy leaving along with his friends. I screamed something like "Psst, don't you have manners? Aren't you gonna introduce us to your friends?"

That was crazy. HAH! I love it.

I bet you a million dollars they're talking about how intoxicated and insane I was. HAHAHAHAHA!

See, to all you people out there, male or female, just say hi to me god dammit. I don't bite.

Hannah you wench, we're having dinner on Wednesday.   

Bryanboy Loves... and Random Cheesemax

#1 - Bryanboy loves people from Swansea, ONT Canada, Letchworth, Norfolk UK, Hamilton, Bermuda, Livonia, MI, Hanna City, IL, Eatontown, NJ, Louth, Ireland, Catania, Sicily Italy, Oxie, Sweden, Krimpen Aan Den Ijssel, Holland, Brussels, Belgium, Novate Milanese, Lombardia Italy and of course, all the gorgeous people who live in Helsinborg, Sweden. I love each and every one of you. To all the gorgeous boys who live in those areas, come to mama and open up your fly.

#2 - First it was Karl Lagerfeld now it's Marc Jacobs. What is it with designers and their hot, hot, hot boy toys? Do I have to be a fucking designer in order to get a hottie these days?

Eeew. I don't even know how to draw!!! Not even stick people!

Anyway, meet Marc Jacobs' boyfriend. He's got Marc's name tattooed on his arm. He's a rent boy, btw, charging US$225 per hour. Click here AND here to read more.

031306_marcjacobs

Shit, if only male prostitutes in the third world look like that I'd be buying them like candy. And to think, he's not really THAT hot. He's ok, but not that hot. He's worth the US$225 per hour price tag though.

Curious what a third world male gigolo looks like? Here's one that I found at one of the forums at www.guys4men.com. He's 5'7, 125lbs. He'll let you "suck him for all you want and he'll fuck you really good".

031306_hookerad

031306_hooker

Um... ok.... whatever.

#3 - My shoes just arrived today! All I can say is, I'm DOOMED!

You see, I'm throwing a birthday bash soon and I'm gonna dress up to the nines... couture dress and all. Yes mother fuckers, I'm having a dress made SPECIFICALLY for me and this is my first ever couture dress. It's about time for god's sake, considering I'm turning 17 before the month ends!!!

Anyway, my Chloe and Choos arrived earlier this morning and I think they're a little small. I need a miracle to pull this off on my big day. The Chloe is a size 40 (which is a size 10) and the Jimmy Choo is a size 11.

THIS IS RIDICULOUS!!!! I'm a size 10 (American) on Frye boots and a size 40 on my Dior ski boots and they fit me well good and loose but my new shoes seems to be small. Ok, they're not small as in I can't fit on them... it's just that they fit really tight and I'm scared I'll get a shitload of blisters and callouses from wearing em.

I called my nonsexual wife, Hannah and she told me I should break em... you know, walk around the house wearing em. I wish it was that easy babe. I don't wanna see the look on my dad's face when he catches me sashaying in the living room with my choos. Having a gay child is bad enough, watching your first born son parade in 5-inch sandals is worse.

That's my first ever pair of Jimmy Choos. HAHAHHAHAHA! Now I know why women are so obsessed about shoes... Choos are amazing!

BUYING A PAIR OF JIMMY CHOOS IS WAY BETTER THAN GETTING A SEX CHANGE!!! Who needs a vagina? I'm telling you with my brand spanking new designer shoes, my transformation is complete. Bryanboy is NOW a fuckin woman.

Eew. I still like my penis, thanks very much.

#4 - I take back whatever I said about me not buying Dior this summer. I don't care what you think but this bag is instant gratification for me. I called my sales associate at Bergdorf Goodman and the bag is actually OLIVE GREENish with brown undertones and not brown. $1,995 for this beautiful, beautiful piece.

031306_diorgaucho

After watching the Fall/Winter 06/07 RTW Dior video I feel bad for not getting the white one. The gaucho bag is THE Dior bag of 2006. Anyway, it's available at eLuxury... so if you're thinking of getting me a birthday present, The white lambskin gaucho bag is the perfect bag to buy me. :)

Since we're still on the subject of Dior, what is up with Dior copying Gucci? The silhouettes are obviously different but the "style"/"concept" is pretty much the same.

031306_guccidior001

031306_guccidior002

It's fashion eh?

031306_luxurybychanel#5 - Chanel boutiques all over the USA launched the "Luxury by Chanel" bag line on Saturday, March 11. Be sure to snap the bowling bags. The last time I bought bowling bags was back in the dark, Prada ages. The Luxury by Chanel bowling bags are available in different colors: beige, coral, red, black, metallic gold, metallic silver (dark silver) and denim. The medium-sized metallic bags are priced at US$2,160.

#6 - What is up with people sending me life quotes via SMS? I think it's a Filipino thing for people to send quotes by cellphone. HELLLLO!!! If I want a quote I'd go to a chinese restaurant and buy fortune cookies! Anyway, I really appreciate people sending me messages but for the life of god, all you need to do really is to tell me you love me.... or tell me who you are, or if you're rich, if you're well-hung or if you're gonna buy me a Boucheron watch. HAHAHAHA *kidding*. In the past few days, I've received quotes like:

"Learn to love the person who is willing to love you at present. Forget the person and the past and thank him/her for hurting you which led you to love the person you have now."

"Sometimes you have to just forget the rules, follow your heart and see where it takes you. Never apologize for saying what you feel because that's like saying sorry for being real. Never regret anything you said or did because at some point, it was what you wanted. True strength is being able to hold it all together when everyone else is expecting you to fall apart."

(omg btw that is so true. hah! next)

"You only got one life so live it well. One heart so take good care. One soul, keep it pure. One girlfriend? how common."

"I'll never be perfect. I'll never be the best. But one thing I'm sure is I'm perfectly true in giving the best of me just to be a real friend to you."

"Life is a walk of faith in the LORD - full of surprises yet fulfilling. Full of tests yet rewarding... and full of trials yet strengthenin! God bless you. Good PM!"

Enough already! LOL. I really appreciate these quotes but please stop it. I hate those text messages, especially the ones where you have to do a lot of scrolling just to read the next line. I think people are trying to make me lose weight by keeping me tied up on the phone. ;)

If you're gonna send me a message, say hi, tell me about yourself, how you found my blog, how you love me, how you're gonna find me a gorgeous sugar daddy no older than 30 who will buy me my first Rochas gown and Roger Vivier stilettos. HAHAHAHAHAHA!

#7 - I want to be this girl's NEW BFF so I'll tag along to her shopping sprees and she'll buy me everything what I want out of sheer jealousy. Meet Hind Hariri, a 22 year old billionaire from Lebanon. She's the youngest person on the Forbes List. Hind baby if you're reading my blog, can I just say I'm willing to ditch everything that I have just to be your best friend? Buy me a shitload of Hermes croc birkins in every imaginable color and I'll be your confidante for life.

Now that's what I call an heiress... with a double chin. Like me!!!!

Babe, just a piece of advice, dye your hair light brown and take up bulimia or liposuction PRONTO. You need to give Nicole Richie a run for her $200 Million.

Bah! I've been feeling a bit icky the past few days it's not even funny. There's something in the air you know.

Anyway, I'm gonna celebrate my 17th birthday in a couple of days and I'm soo fucking stressed. One of my very good friends pretty much did MOST of the legwork for our birthday party (on top of her ultra busy schedule) and I tremendously owe it to her.

I think that's all for now. I'm gonna start working on Podcast #4. It's been quite awhile since I last did a podcast and I know you're all waiting for it.

031306_galliano

Remember boys and girls: only John Galliano walks the runway with bodyguards in tow.

I love you all. Email bryan@bryanboy.com or SMS +63-915-785-1492.

DO NOT SEND ME QUOTES. SEND ME FORTUNE COOKIES INSTEAD. HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

Baboosh_3

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